Newcomers Feedback

Here is some of the feedback we received from participants of the recent workshop:

My Sister the Moon, My Brother the Moon
Haarlem, Netherlands
April 9 & 10, 2005

To travel to Haarlem, to attend the seminar as well as the return home was unique.

During the pass Mapping the Female Body, I felt how living is each part of my body; this reminded me that one day, performing magical passes, I had the knowledge that there are huge places of my body (physical and energetic) that were like dead; or at least, rigidified and like lifeless, and that I had a lot of work to awake them; Mapping the Female Body allows me to make those zones alive, for a while.

In pairs, receiving the massage made me entering in a dream, sweet dream; I was floating and my body extended with no limits ; I was everything and nothing at all in the same time; giving the massage, I felt that the feet are really a holy zone, that deserves respect.

"What is to be a woman...": performing the Moon pass, a phrase came "Women are here to acknowledge the beauty of the world"; and then, from the womb, came another sentence "a heart that shines"; voicing the sentence, I realized that indeed, acknowledging this wonderful world ALSO means acknowledging that I, as a part of this world, am a wonderful being; this is very different from believing that I am THE most important person of the world…

Interactions with other women -- recent and in the past: I related a recent scene with a woman younger than me, very pretty and intelligent; my inner dialogue was: "I am getting old, I was never pretty, and finally, am I so intelligent?"

I was sitting in a chair and was getting smaller and smaller, as to vanish; my respiration had vanished, I felt pain at the plexus ; what came from the witness exercise is that this body position was directly inherited from my childhood, and I perfectly remembered a scene when I was eight years old, far from my parents, sent for one year by cousins for health reasons (they lived in the mountains); I was sat on the bed of my room, a room with butterflies (blue) on the wall, the sun, coming through the window, and this wonderful tree in front of the window, but I did not understand: "What I am doing here? Why I am away from my mother?"

I was impressed by the exactitude and precision of the memory I had of the scene, I nearly could feel the breeze on my arms, and the flavors of the garden... I was impressed by how I had just adopted exactly the same body position as in this old scene, with exactly the same feeling of "being the poor one." I also remembered that during this year far from home, I received from my parents a postcard for my birthday, the 9th of April, and here in Haarlem, exactly 35 years later, I received this present from the Spirit for my birthday: opening a door for recapitulation.

A strong experience was when the men, at the end of the seminar, arrived in the room were we were sitting; a funny detail was that we placed a cushion beside us for a man to come and sit, and I caught myself in worrying if "I will be able to have a man besides me".... This was really funny! When men arrived, at the beginning I felt my energy was as disturbed by this new energetic wave; then, I felt as I was more rooted on the ground, more stable; I saw that women and men are really complementary ;

This seminar was beyond any description.

What was your experience of the specific magical pass Mapping the Female Body, singly and in pairs?

For me it was a new and unordinary pass…

I realized that my body was never mine completely, it was belonging to men, parents, anyone but me. And when I did this pass in full for the right and left side I realized how strongly I love my body and this love gives me the connection to myself and with my womb. It is beautiful - to enjoy the clear connection with your own body, to wake up and say: "Hello, little womb!"

…I saw that we, women, talk to each other from the womb into the womb all the time. The most important thing is to become aware, to see that interaction, to hear that conversation, to become aware of this connection with each other. Becoming aware of the connection with one's own body, with the womb gives energy to shift the assemblage point and to act with much love from our hearts to everything: to life, time, Earth, Moon, Sun, sky, all the beings, energy.

Endless thank you to everybody!

With much love,

During the seminar I observed I have always thought that women are silly and don't know anything, and during mapping the female body, I experienced a flashback: these words originally came from my grandfather. He often used to say exactly the same about women!

"I have the birthright to be free" were the words my womb found, how good it felt to say it...and say it loud. Later I thought men have the same birthright but at that moment was only the need of my womb. When I said it aloud to the women of the circle I was assertive, sure, happy for the possibility to feel it and say it, and say it loud saying it loud made me feel like I was breaking all the invisible chains and fears for which I had no name, I was too little for words ...at the time I had adopted the chains.

The exercise Womb-to-Womb speaking to another woman ...actually was more like a woman and a child. I like it to explore it often.
One woman at the supermarket: we are close, she turned to me and she asked me to read something for her...She had the glasses on, but said, "I can't read without glasses." Then she said, "The problem is, I can't read." I helped her like if she was an old friend.

I began to work on my feelings and behavior with my father a month before the Haarlem Workshop. It has been triggered by a witness exercise where I focused on a scene with my father. From then on I have paid special attention to the moments when I meet with him. I have seen then that my father was getting really old and was becoming aware that he is "running out of time." This feeling has detained on me and boosted me to cut through the crap in my own life. Concerning my relationships with him, new actions were: being more sober, more "adult", focusing on the pleasure of being together, as if these shared instants were the last, instead of fighting with him, judging him, escaping from him.

The exercises about "being a man" in Haarlem were welcome to give a direction to all this. I have worked on my feeling of "not being really a man among the others," "being closer to women than to men."

I understand that my father was not easy with the fact of being a father. He was escaping his duties and was protecting himself from the affection of his children. I couldn't express my affection to him, couldn't be proud of him, so I tried at teen age to find "substitute fathers," guys older than me that I could admire, focus on, interact with, while my relationships with women were more friendship than mating. Women were looking at me as a friend, not a male. I didn't know how to act as they expect of a male, my father didn't teach me the right attitude, my mother was the boss.

People think that "Males have to be the boss," I didn't want to be the boss. My father didn't like bosses, in this aspect I followed him. All my life I have played the clown, not the responsible man.

The moon form at night with the sounds allowed me to go deep into silence, into the depth of my awareness, with a feeling of safety, calm and pleasure.

The recent moment I was stalking at the workshop was about a woman who was criticizing my work and it went right into my heart. I was feeling too responsible for things I am not responsible for. Because of feeling too much responsibility, my judgment to the other woman was: "Why she doesn't take her own responsibility instead of criticizing me? She is so stupid." My mouth was tight, my eyes too, my chest very tensed I could hardly breathe, couldn't feel my feet, my throat was tensed, my stomach painful.

Stalking this with the Moon Form gave me the sentences: at New Moon, I am responsible for myself in connection with everybody. And at Full Moon, she's not different than me. And the Last Quarter, Leave out something: Don't play the role anymore of the always-understanding-person, with that you make someone stupid.

…After listening to the story of the practitioner about her mother, which was very similar to my story, I could track the negative judgment I had about my mother, and I, like the practitioner in the story, came to the conclusion that: It was ME who had abandoned HER - my mother. I didn't want a mother like that.

After this stalking, I visited my mother a week ago and tried to communicate with her from my womb. The most surprising thing I found was that I had not the urge to give her advice all the time and to say 'wise words' . I was listening and saw a struggling woman who was trying to keep her mental sanity with gigantic efforts every day of her life. Maybe I am ready now to see what she has been giving to me.

After voicing "What does it mean to be a woman?" I realized that being a woman means to be love. If I can love and nurture myself, I can love and nurture all things. We are all connected. Two nights ago I dreamed that I saw myself, and in this dream I was made of a brilliant, dancing, sparkling light, and full of incredible energy. Then I saw myself as I am when I am full of self-pity and self concerns. I was the same person, but I was dull and heavy.

In recalling interactions with my mother after we did the Moon Forms, I remember her as being an extremely loving and giving person. It was her passion to care for her children, her husband, her friends and on top of all this she was a nurse who was passionate about her job. She never complained about all the giving she did, but she never took time to care for herself. She was always very tired, and that is something she would complain about. I assumed from her actions that this is what it meant to be a woman. It meant to give give give and sacrifice one's own needs to prove how much she cares for others. My new view is that a person can truly love and care for everyone and everything with great ease and fluidity if they truly love and care for themselves.

Mapping the Female Body.
With the Mapping the Female Body pass I felt a real contact with my body. I 'own my own body' became more than a sentence to me. I brought a warm energy up to my womb and opened up for myself i.e. for my surrounding. Caress myself made me feel a lovely being worthwhile. Becoming so soft. And then we start doing this pass in pairs. My first thought was, do I have clean feet? No! of course not it is the end of the day... And then I let go of all my thoughts…There was so much affection in it, nothing mattered. We developed a special bond. I was delighted to do (the other woman's) feet and put all my love and affection in it.

Now, every day I look in the mirror brushing my teeth I say to myself, 'hey lovely being and love of my life, have a nice day, take care of your body, own your own body and be good to your surroundings'.

Thank you for giving me these precious insights.

First of all, thank you for this beautifull experience

The first passes for opening up the body gave especially freedom and peace. It was an opening up on all layers. After the workshop I kept on working with the tennis ball. The lymph area around the chest and under the arm are for me an area of attention. I hold on a lot there.

The orally voicing my new intent gave a connection for body, mind and spirit, like the 'insight' was a kind of togetherness. Like I was saying what I really feel, instead of a more doubtful connection to the world that I often have.

Thanks to Paula for the moving story. So much intimacy in such a big group. One body.

In the men's seminar, we answered the question:
What it is to be a man ?

My first list to being a man was…..
Being a man is to be a technician; to be able to find technical solution & understand technical concepts
To be a bread-winner, able to bring money and security in the family.
To be a critic to avoid things don't allowed; a man have a role of Teacher; to be strong on a physical level as much as emotional.

During the Moon form, my perceptions of what it is to be a man enhanced:

New moon:
I feel just as a benevolent being

Early 1/4 Moon:
Being a man is to be ... somebody who is surprised by his way of being and somebody who transmits curiosity.

Full Moon:
To be conscious of things, people which surrounds him.

Late 1/4 Moon
Somebody who can be fluid & who doesn't keep things he doesn't need so as to be light.

When we shared experience to be a man, to be a woman, between men & women together….I was surprised to hear that some identical words were used to qualify man and woman; they became less personal ideas, more energetic definitions.

Practicing the Moon Form with the question "What does it mean to be a man", as a woman,...I was amazed at the answers I received:

New moon:
They give structure, they are physically stronger, they don't allow emotions to come out....

First quarter:
They breathe, they eat, they see, they smell, they rest, they move, ....like you.

Full moon
They are energy, exactly as you are, there is no difference in that realm...

Last quarter
The journey is a solitary journey but there is no way you can do it without taking into your awareness these other beings next to you.

When we shared with men these findings, they were the same for both of us, female and male, no differences.....

After joining with women I felt harmony. I knew that a man and a woman complement each other energetically, they balance each other. A man is like an anchor in the unknown and a woman is a gate to infinity. I realized that we all are travellers and there is no difference between genders. We are perceivers, beings of energy.

When I was doing mapping to the other woman's feet it was like I was giving back love to my mother, everything that I didn't have time to tell her and do for her… And there was a lot of silence in that, too, I felt how my and her vibrations are uniting in that tender dance. My body was very happy. The sensation was that I could do it endlessly, give love… To give myself into the other's hands is also very enjoyable, the touch was gentle and warm, dissolving everything - the inner dialog, and the physical bodies around. And also in that I felt the warmth of the earth, the big mother that I can always trust, her love is always with me…

The communication with the wombs to another woman was preceded by the situation where I, not purposefully, judged a woman in the transportation - she was dressed too frivolously for her age and she was somehow "lost", not here. And almost in the same moment I had enough pause not to develop this idea further but to stop and realize what I am doing right now. When I intended to communicate to her with my womb, I felt the wave of genuine warmth and love. There were many feelings in that woman. I saw that it is me who is often worried by how I look, and that woman who was sitting in front of me wasn't interested in that, she had an open heart and a girl's womb, that could be amazed by things. I saw her beauty… My womb warmly shined in response.

It was a revelation for me that I can communicate to women directly from the womb, understanding them without my usual judgments, although it seemed to me that there were not even any judgments, and the men for me are a great mystery, although before I used to think that they are very simply made and very predictable :))))))

Thank you for the magical dreaming!!!
With infinite love,

oThe last possible day to do it, before leaving México for the workshop, I went to the desert to say Thank You. During that long magic night I resolved to clear the relation with my father, which after so many years of troubles, and other years of absolute silence, is actually going better from few years, but I have not still said him : - I am sorry for all the troubles and pain I gave to You.- and: -Thank You for all You did for me.- . So that night, before the last sickle of the moon rose with an unbelievable shining, I decided to write a letter to my father. I hope I'm not writing to show that "I" was so tuned, or clairvoyant, but to point out how a workshop may mysteriously work in any direction of time and space, and to say thank you to all the beings who shared these precious moments in Haarlem.

The experience, when the gentlemen joined the women in the room, was very important to me. Up to then I had the tendency to believe that dreaming is 'better' with just women, because it is easier, we are the same, it is easy to link with another and understand without words. At the seminar now, at the moment when we were joined by the men, I was sitting with my eyes closed and my back towards the door. I enjoyed the silence and unity among the women. Suddenly I noticed a dense feeling, like the room filling up. I felt a strong heat and a strong vibration through my body, particularly around my back, the air was buzzing. Upon that I opened my eyes to realize that the men had already stepped into the room so quietly that I hadn't heard them. Suddenly, added to the silence, I felt a joy of activity, sudden impulses to do something, just anything, being very awake, ready to go into a new dream. The women were like a lake of fluidity, and the men brought in with their solidity sparks of readiness. I'm very glad to have experienced this, like this I became more aware, that it is most beautiful when women and men dream together and that the effort to overcome the differences in order to join our qualities is more than worthwhile.

It was the first time I practiced with so many men. Nobody had to spend any attention on his tail feathers, nor one's attention got captured by females.
To me it felt like after a few passes the attendees start to leave the matrix of the socialized man more, and more behind. It seemed to me like a mood of brothers rowing in one boat, that doesn't need a leader, nor anybody who wants to lead, including the instructors.

Maybe this intro has supported me, to keep any complaining or judging disturbing far enough from me, to make an incomparable experience.

The practice of the Moon Form in this big group lets me feel the presence of the moon (especially during the ascending half moon, and the full moon sequences). I perceived this presence as a kind of low tone that I didn't pick up with my ears, and wasn't the climate system in the room, because it was known to me from other experiences in the past.

When joining the room of the females, it was almost like entering another world.

My parents are both dead. In the case of my father I only want to say here, we separated with affection to each other, when he drifted away into infinity. It was a beautiful experience to me. I grabbed him immediately with unbending intent, when I got the call from my mother. It was a New Years Eve night, close to midnight, and I was waiting for the call. I have spent around 5- 6 hours with him for the last time, his presence felt cleansed. At the end of that night I was ready to let him go, or did I felt just his drifting apart? In the following very few sleeping hours there was kind of a dream, all I can remember is, it was bright white. I almost jumped off my bed when awaking; I believe I have inherited his basic energy.

During this workshop, the Passes and exercises we did, led always to my relationship with my mother, in such profound aspects, and I sensed these findings with my body.

Saturday morning, doing the Mapping of the Female Body in this calm and concentrated mood of the room, I started to relax profoundly and going even further, I sensed my body, light and shining, and I felt love for my being.
I cannot remember to have felt this love for my being, ever. It was real and beyond words and with it, my view towards the other women also changed. Many attributes, I used to bring in connection only with men, like "concentrated," "responsible," "independent" "they know what they want to do and do it," "acting calmly and clear." I could perceive in the women around myself and in myself, too, and there were moments, when I got the impression to be in a room with women and men, although we were only women.

Later in the stalking exercise, my list of judgments about "What it is to be a woman...", which we shared in a group of three women, had one leading thought, how I as a woman have to behave: Hold everything back, your voice, your body, your view, your wishes, your words..., don't show yourself. The leading thoughts of my colleagues were also very touching points of my personal history (to be Daddy's girl, not to communicate my perceptions because I am afraid to hurt the other person). We did the Mapping Passes again and answered the same question. Now, there where only sensations left of what it is to be a woman, like "wide, calm, connected with everything..." and finally, you asked us to voice a sentence from our womb of what it is to be a woman. "I am strong and flexible and communicate with everything around me."

The perception of myself in this moment, the strength and flexibility, is equal to how I always perceived the strength and flexibility of my mother and I know then, that this sensation is our abstract connection, which is so strong and real, that every thought and judgment I had, about "who my mother is" started to fade.

Sunday afternoon, when the men entered the room and we got together in groups of three, to share our findings, I found myself in a group with two men. I felt a difference between us, I never had felt before and at the same time more affection than ever. I realized, that I had limited in a way my relation towards men by giving them the function, to "help" me. Now, I saw beings, different from myself, engaged in getting more conscious about themselves and I felt, that we can be a mystery for each other and contribute our intensity in different ways to our common journey.

… I came back to the venue from a lunch break earlier and I had a strong urge to lie down on my mat. I did and right away I had a wish to ask this question: "What is it to be a being?" Almost right away I went into a dreaming and I became aware that I was a luminous being. I can't describe it in words but now I feel much fuller. I relate to myself as a luminous being and I act differently. I like to act from this perspective. It feels me with inner joy and brings alignment.

When we did this form with women in the first phase I wrote that I wanted to stop my usual social perception of women. In the second phase I saw that in my life I was loved by many women. Especially I appreciate the love of my daughter, my wife, my mother and my grandma… and many others. And I felt enormous gratitude to them and enormous love. I saw how through their love they helped me dreaming and dreamt me forward. I just wrote that down. And I experienced enormous happiness that I had a daughter, a little woman that loved me infinitely. And I love her too. After the third phase I saw how my awareness was flowing outside. I thought it would be different. But here something luminous was flowing out of me and connected to everything around. I realized what self-reflection was - awareness wants to flow into outside but gets blocked by a barrier of ideas and comes back. And there is no connection to the world. And there I saw that my awareness could reach many things around me if only I would be interested in the world around me and not in my ideas. And I saw that all these women around me in the venue - they were the same luminous beings. Like the Moon, the Earth, the Sun, wind and all around. And if I want my awareness to reach and touch them I have to be aligned. And I wrote down that it was my responsibility - to be aligned with them and with myself, that I should interact with them as a luminous being.

In "Joining Forces" I felt a certain agitation and at the same time inner calmness and alertness. I simply liked to do that form and to sense my partners.

"Calling personal power" was the same - I simply received enormous pleasure from the practice of that form. And also this form was bringing me inner silence. I felt like I was entering dreaming after it.

And from drums I had incredible ecstasy! I felt myself as an ancient man, I liked to feel strength in my hands, legs and body, I liked to yell and feel the power of my yell. I think I caught a specific feeling of bodily masculinity, inner strength that let you put your feet to the ground strongly and be ready to jump for prey.

I really saw a lot of cases from my childhood that became for me examples and basis for my actions at that time. For me it was important to realize that I stopped changing and that I had to catch up with that - to recapitulate what had already passed. It seems to me the most important thing I found is a necessity for a pause. I knew about this before but now I started to track pauses and intend them. I realized that in everyday actions I often know how to act in the right way but without a pause I act compulsively, without awareness. And I always can ask to give me that pause. Earlier it seemed to me that it is not nice to ask somebody to wait until I get my answer. But now if I feel that I am not aligned I will ask for a minute or two and go to the side or simply let my assemblage point move. I realized that it can't always fly in a moment and one needs time for new views and actions to surface.

When I entered the room with the women, I was astounded by the absolute silence and that women were in inner silence waiting for us. It was a completely different interaction. I was walking in that room and was looking for my beloved. But then my legs came to her on their own. She gave me her pillow. I sat down and felt like I was a chicken on a hen roost, I was warm and comfortable. I closed my eyes and went into silence.

Also when I entered the room I thought I realized what dark sea of awareness was. I was walking like in black transparent dense water. And women were dissolved in that sea, they were like a single energetic unit. I saw other men as luminous clusters. Every man was a separate "cluster" and I wouldn't say that they were coming in a single stream. They were bringing power and vibration. My body was vibrating too. In the room was completely different air, not like in our room, but pure, light and with a nice scent. It was easy to move in it. Not all men came and sat between women. It seemed to me that men came in and sat down - they were sitting in a light circle around dark center of inner silence. I really liked that harmony. And there was a desire to move somewhere forward together.

When we were sharing ideas what it was to be a man or a woman I wasn't impressed anymore with those ideas, I didn't want to deal with them. I saw that all of us were luminous beings and I tried to hold my perception in that position. But it was difficult because there were different people in our group and they said different words. So my perception was moving from full attention to their words back to a state of being aware of a luminous being. I saw in that how many more things I needed to get rid of and to recapitulate!

And it was great when we were sharing our new perception in a circle. I saw a dash and aiming to something new, something more sincere. And it was joyful to tell them my dream that I wanted to realize in my life.

I want to tell You, dear instructors, enormous-huge thank you! This was a priceless gift - this workshop and everything that was there and connected to it!

Dreaming together with you, in affection,

I want to share an important event that took place during the workshop: AFTER PAULA'S ACCOUNT, but also during it, came to me some scenes that I had lived through with my mother. Lately we have always been nervous, she judges me and I judge her. I was trying to recapitulate them, but while we were all in silence trying to work off the heavy emotions of that moment, something within me suddenly BROKE, I felt a strong pain inside, like a stick that broke. I thought about my mother, about how many judgments I had concerning her, and immediately I burst out crying like I never did before, that were freeing me and kept breaking and shattering what I had inside me. My friend hugged me, not only with her arms, I felt her womb giving me heat and affection, I calmed down and a little afterwards I still had need to talk to my mother, I asked my friend to be my mother, to be my witness, and I told my mother "I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH". I felt light and something within me was gone, when I talked again with my mother after the workshop it was different than before. There is no tension, there's no judgment even on her part. I still will have to work a lot on this, but I feel that the greatest part of it is vanished!

THANK YOU, truly, with all my heart

After the passes: the mapping of the female body, I am conscious of my body, I enjoyed feeling every cell, each body movement, a light energy, alive, pretty and happy. How relaxing without the male presence, I don't need to play to be sexy, prettier, attractive…I totally relaxed and let the woman in me be.
…I don't know where it came from but I found an answer:
I am happy to be a woman, or this feminine body with which I enjoy life.

In a recent conflict with a woman and a past situation, I have seen that I react just like my mother. I imitate her behavior with my father. I don't feel my worthiness, security, self-confidence or rights, nor do I have wishes. Others have power over me. All my life I have been under the program of my parents. I don't have strength or I don't say what I want nor what I think…

When the men entered the room, I was waiting to see who was going to sit next to me. I felt my pattern with men: Waiting to see if any man would choose me or would be by my side. I found myself like in the dream. Taken by an energy into the fog.

At the end I found myself among a Bosnian woman and a Croatian man. I am Serbian. (When we first tried to understand the instructions in English, it was as if we had been in the storm among tornadoes; by the end of the exercise, we were able to communicate amongst ourselves with affection.)

The joining forces pass was very good in getting me and the group to move in sync with each other and develop a sense of timing. It had a deep calming effect on me. The drumming at the end of the workshop was what brought the whole event to life. Something shifted and I noticed that the room we were in was brighter and I felt a lot lighter as if some weight had been lifted.

-For me this act of polishing my links with my father was very fresh in my mind because it is only a couple of months since my father left this world.
So this workshop and Teo's story were very poignant for me.
All my life my father and I fought and argued about everything constantly. However as life would have it, in the last five months I was with him and miraculously we never exchanged as much as an angry word between us. We both agreed one day that we had started a new relationship which was much healthier more everlasting and we both looked forward to it with happiness. I believe that we both finally accepted each other without any compulsion to dominate.

The new words for me regarding Man are 'Will' and the direction ahead has to do with 'the not-doing of the self'.

-On the last session upon entering the room in silence I perceived that the whole space was vibrating with a specific type of energy. It was like the sound of oil crackling in a pan and there were areas of bright light and others with deep darkness all around me. Some old religious associations about the virgin Mary were stirred up in me too as my mind started playing back in Latin song extracts from the last two movements of Pergolesi's beautiful 'Stabat Matter' piece of music. Overall when the men and women interacted doing the moon passes, witnessing and then dancing there was a mutual sense of respect for one another.
Lastly I believe that this workshop has helped the men and women to bond very closely in our own practice group. We are now working very closely together.

The story Paula told at the Seminar reminds me of the relationship with my own mother. Last year, while a friend was staying at my flat, I was living with my mom. At the beginning I went to my mother, because I wanted to recapitulate while staying in her flat. I thought, that this would mean to look how bad my childhood was.
It was terrible. I felt deeply depressed. I telephoned hours with my friend just to complain about the terrible things my mother did. One evening I listen to a telephone call between my mom and my older sister. I heard my mother saying "to see me like this (depressive, crying, aggressive, ...) makes her feeling very bad and helpless."
I was very indignant at that (inner Dialog "How can she say like this, I have to feel my pain...").

It took me a long time to see, that I didn't feel terrible, because of the "terrible things my mom did to me." I felt terrible and I was ill, because I was in a terrible state of low level of awareness and I feel physical and emotional pain because of the way I treat her and myself.

Now I have a new intent. I decided to be with my mom connected with lines of affection and to be true to her. I understood that my mom really wants to be near to me and how important it is for her that I'm a part of my family, specially together with my sisters. And I decided to trust her. To meet her in this way shows me, that this also helps her to be free in her live. This is my chance to do everything for her, thanksfull for all her love and everything she did for me. I enjoy the time with my mother now, freely! Two days ago after the workshop, I went to her to say hello and to show that I'm back from Holland. She had some clothes for me, my sister sewed for me. I stood in the floor to put some clothes on, suddenly my mother came to me, hug me and said: " Oh I have to hug you, my beautiful daughter, you are so wonderful. You have changed so much the last year and I'm glad to see you like this." We hug each other silently and near to each other and then we laughed.

By the way during the witnesswork at the seminar I found one sister and one brother again. The first time of my life I can except that they are also children of my father (different mother) and now I can say and mean I have five sisters. This part of my family feels complete now.

P.S. Spontaneous I translate this letter to my mom when I had breakfast with her today. She agreed every word of it and we had to laugh about it.

This workshop has had a huge impact on me. Not so much in how I feel, but most on how many opportunities it created. I feel my outlook on myself and the world has changed. There are new possibilities for investigating.

During the workshop I did not experience so much the finding of the being behind 'man' or 'woman' so much, but I found that during the moon form the things I found about what it means to be a man are much more magical and abstract, infinite. When we entered the room of the women it seemed so much lighter and so much more colorful. Doing the moonform together halfway one of the movements of the first quarter I caught a glimpse of how the woman next to me was moving and this was much smoother and softer and I thought "ah, that's nice, it can also be done like that".

Now after the workshop there is a strong sense of 'male warmth' which I experienced during the workshop so strongly. And this seems to be connected to my father mostly, to which parts of me are my father.

In the week after the workshop I called my father and asked him to meet to have a talk. The act of calling him was a step into the unknown. Usually when I see my parents I talk to my mother a lot, or I talk to them both at the same time. Some years ago I wanted to change the way that we interacted when we see each other. I did not see them often and when I saw them we tended to talk about things which did not interest me in the least. It seemed like a waste of time and I kept these occasions to a minimum. This was not too hard to do as I have four brothers who are married and have kids and they provided all the results my parents wanted from their offspring; or so I imagined.

Nevertheless I wanted to have more meaningfull interactions with them and I had found a trick to do this: Whenever they talked about the past and about how things had gone they got more inspired and they loved to tell. So I would ask them all kinds of things about the past like how they met, how they made some difficult decisions, what had troubled them in cetrain occasions etc. and they would tell me everything. And it was great to get to know them as persons, as beings who were searching for a good route for our family to follow. How they had cared and given it their very best.

At the workshop a door was opened into the past to many fields of the lives of my fathers family. My father and his past, his line of birth, his parents and that time is directly available to me now to investigate and to stalk
and recapitulate.

When I asked my father to meet he responded very willing. I did not need to explain anything, just suggest a time and place, so a week later - last week - I went to see him.
When I parked in front of their house my father opened the front door immediately as if he had been waiting behind the door. We went up and had some tea with the three of us. I explained to my mother that this was not to leave her out, that I wanted to ask her some things as well, but that I would also love to spend some time alone with my father.
We went to a restaurant looking out over the sea, and while sitting down my father said "so, you have some questions, we have some business, lets make the best of our time, because I would really want to try and answer you as completely as possible".
So we ordered our drinks and when we had settled at our table I told him: "the reason why I asked you here is that I have some questions and some things I want to tell you".
The week before our meeting I had prepared what I wanted to say. I had had some suggestions on how to open this up between my father and me, but as soon as I sat down to write I realised what I wanted to tell him.

So I said: "when I was younger I thought we had a bad relation but since I have been looking into this with more attention I realise that I could not wish for a better father. You have provided the best basis for me to develop my life. And there are traits in my character which I feel good about and that really help me in my life and I see that those traits come from you."

He then said: "well, you do the best for all of you" (meaning for me and my brothers) and then he said something which almost blew me away: "you were always a very happy, cheerful kid. But whenever there was something new (he took a small basket of teabags which was in front of us on the table, as if examining it) your two older brothers would jump on it straight away. And you would hold back a little, maybe somehow knowing that if you would jump in too it would be a mess and no one would get to see it. But sometimes already your younger brothers would jump in after that and only when you could get your hands on it alone you would take your time and examine it to your heart's content."
When he said this I realised how well he must have been able to observe me, to know me and at the same time I knew that I am still like that. This remark connects to many things in my recapitulations and he had gone straight to the heart of me with just one simple remark. So I saw how well he knows me, and how he has seen me better then anyone else. By telling me that simple fact I also saw with how much care he must have looked at me.

To proceed our talk I asked him some things which I had wondered about since long like why he had left home so young - when he was sixteen. And then he started to talk about his life, his dreams and his past. He told me about his mother who I have never known because she died before I was born, and by his telling I got to know her directly. By seeing my fathers face and his expressions when he was telling I got to know her and everyone and everything else that he was telling about. He took me bodily with him to the past - to my past. I got to know my grandparents and how they lived, what their dreams are and the substance of their lives.
There is so much that my father told me and it is so much alive that it is impossible to explain it here sufficiently. It seems it will take me a lifetime and more to investigate it. And this talk was only the beginning.

I find this workshop the most powerful ever. It has opened this link, this corridor to what was the unknown. Now it is up to me to explore this further, and it is very exciting.

When we got home I told my mother a little of what we had talked about and then told her 'she was next' and embraced her - she then laughed louder than I had ever heard.

After I returned home in Amsterdam I called my father to thank him for all he had told me that afternoon, and he said that he was happy he could have answered my questions and hoped that whenever I wanted to know more I would ask.

New insights of voicing orally my new intent for "What is it to be a woman" from my womb:
I found the phrase: I care for me. Still I often forget it because it's so unusual for me... I don't even know very well, how that works - but I see that it's the root of a lot of problems I often have: I don't dare to sleep without finishing my never-ending tasks, I don't eat good food, I care for everybody hoping to be acknowledged without caring for myself.
Last Friday I sat in the office, tense and functioning. When I said to myself: "I care for me" my womb relaxes, breathing becomes deeper and the whole body relaxes too. Often it gives me a sensation of stability and self-confidence, talking like this to myself. I feel independent. On one occasion I felt rejected by my boy-friend who had been calling me on the phone and suddenly cut the conversation. I felt hurt until I found my phrase again: "I care for myself." After hearing myself saying it to myself I became aware, that this is exactly what he was doing: he was caring for himself! Now I could accept and understand him completely, I could shift my attention from being the victim. I feel there is still a long way to go with this sentence, but I'm curious to do so.
My stalking of interactions with other women goes hand-in-hand with the Womb-To- Womb speak-exercise: coming home from the workshop I met my mother. I was still imbued by this wonderful experience and for the first time in my life I was able to let go of the usual underlying mistrust in front of her. It was wonderful! I just related to her about my feelings, reported her about this event and a bridge was built to her awareness. She was very open and interested, and I was able to speak from my womb, to feel her with my womb. I felt her as the soft and sweet being she really is inside. Normally we use to fight or play the roles of tough women towards ourselves. But this time we both opened up, trusted each other, she listened attentively without asking sceptical questions, she even asked or answered in the same mood of joy and exploration.

We talked about our relationship, about my childhood and her mother. I told her my interpretation of an event in childhood of my grandmother: when she lost her mother her view of the world fixed and didn't change anymore. Her whole life she tried to defend herself, adopting this body position of being closed and cold and strong and mistrusting in front of destiny. I had seen that my mother as well as myself had learned this body position of hers, unconsciously calling energetically similar experiences and situations of loss and hardship, as my grandmother had experienced those days. When I tried to explain this to my mother, she even understood and we came very close. We felt both very connected. During our conversation I was able to focus on my womb.

Concerning my daughter I also want to focus on this perception. I often wonder that she doesn't react or acquiesce to my suggestions. Now I realized that I usually talk to her from my mind, which she can't feel. When I talk to her from my womb after sensing her there, I'm able to adapt to her energy, finding better suggestions or solutions or just accepting her the way she is - both possibilities are there.

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